Date night

We’re wired to put our kids first. From the moment they’re born, we sacrifice. Actually, even before they’re born- we give up wine, soft cheese and sushi. We make sure we’re a healthy incubator for this amazing new life growing inside us. And after the birth we sacrifice sleep, sanity and normally sized breasts on the altar of our children.

Of course this is normal and appropriate. But sometimes, in our desire to give our children the  best possible childhood they could possibly have, we can overlook a major component of that happy idyllic childhood- a stable and happy relationship between their parents.

Unfortunately, not everyone gets to experience and enjoy parenting as a couple. For some, it is a carefully considered choice; for many others it is a necessity, involving heartbreak, loneliness and sacrifice that someone on the outside looking in will never begin to understand.

Keeping a Healthy Partnership:

For those of us who do have the privilege of parenting as a team, there’s the risk of becoming so busy in the job of parenting that we forget what a privilege it is to share this journey. We forget that the relationship with our partner is just as worthy of nurturing as the relationship with our children.

In the USA, 53% of marriages end in divorce; in UK, the divorce rate is 42%. The average duration of a marriage that ends in divorce in the USA is 8 years. Certainly, there are multiple reasons why marriages fail, but the American Psychological Association reminds us that a healthy marriage is beneficial for children:

“…growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems”

But it’s not enough to provide your children with a happy home environment at all costs. Some couples stay together “for the kids”, only to divorce when their children leave home. Empty-nest divorce rates are increasing throughout the world. In the USA, one in four couples over the age of 50 will divorce, whilst in the U.K., divorce rates in older couples have increased by 33% between 2002 and 2013.

So how do we maintain a happy, healthy marriage? How do we ensure this stable home environment for our children to grow up in? And how do we make sure that we still love each other when the children leave home?

Date Night:

We need to start being intentional in our relationship with our partner. We spend time asking our children how their day went, but when was the last time you asked your partner how their day was? (Extra points if it was sometime this week!).

Think of your partner and yourself as the foundation on which you build your family. Take time to develop a strong foundation. Remember what brought you together in the first place. And date! Take time out to do things together that you love.

In our home, we have a modified approach to “Date Night”. I take no credit for this- this was entirely my husband’s genius idea. We have three children, and the benefit of grandparents who live near enough to offer babysitting! On the first Saturday of the month, we take our elder son out on a “date”; we deliberately choose activities we know he loves, or a movie that he has been wanting to watch, but is maybe a little too “old” for his younger siblings. In short, we make him feel special, and we give him time with us.

The second Saturday belongs to our middle child, and the third is number three’s. But the fourth Saturday belongs to us. A restaurant, a good movie; things we loved doing together before we had children.  A time to reconnect, and remember what brought us together in the beginning. Just as we spend time with each child individually making them feel special, we need to create time to spend with each other, making each other feel special and loved.

Practicalities:

So Date Night sounds like a great idea, but what do you do if you don’t have grandparents who live nearby, or who are able to help with babysitting? There are other options:

See if you have any friends with mature and responsible teenaged children who would like to make a little extra money on a weekend.

Get recommendations from friends for babysitters, or search for reputable babysitting companies.

Make reciprocal arrangements with family members or friends, where you look after their children one Saturday evening, and they take your brood the following Saturday evening. This works especially well if the children are cousins or friends, as then everyone has fun. My kids love it when their cousins come round for some homemade popcorn, a movie and a sleepover!

What challenges have you faced in prioritising your relationship with your partner? What strategies have you found that worked for you? Feel free to leave your comments below.

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